HomesickEric

“Teacher, do you not care if we perish?” In his homily during the worldwide moment of prayer that Pope Francis led this evening, he reflected on how Coronavirus has united us in our common humanity, as brothers and sisters. “We have realized that we are on the same boat, all of us fragile and disoriented, but at the same time important and needed, all of us called to row together,” he said. He used the image of the disciples on the boat, caught by an unexpected storm, and Jesus asleep in the stern. When they call on the Lord, the disciples prove their faith, and yet Jesus rebukes them for their lack of faith. Let us try to understand. In what does the lack of the disciples’ faith consist, as contrasted with Jesus’ trust? They had not stopped believing in him; in fact, they called on him. But we see how they call on him: “Teacher, do you not care if we perish?” (v. 38).  Do you not care : they think that Jesus is not interested in them, does not care about them. But...

March has never agreed with me. I don't really want to say that this year but it is... and during these final days of me pushing 20, I could never imagine it to get even worse. I'm not really writing to tell the world that I am the victim of a toxic mind. I am not. I'm here because this needed to be heard... too. My self-esteem is dying. I feel like a worthless person who doesn't deserve anything. My anxiety is at its peak and the only thing I could do about it is to brush it off but I can't. My mind keeps belittling me for everything I'm trying to say, to think, to write. If you would ask... Everything, EVERYTHING is wrong with me. I keep telling myself to restructure my self-being but my body is just too exhausted to even do that. I'm exhausted. These days has been the darkest ever... and putting a smile up on my face is a lie. I'm once again lost. I don't know where to go. I'm lost. I need help.

Greetings. It's finally 2020 and a new decade has commenced. I'm currently using my free time to write because I needed these to be heard without judgement. My social circle is very small, even talking in it seems a hazard. People have always assumed that my words are argumentative when I was just being expressive. In this era, it is explicitly rare to find someone who will actually be there and listen to you when you're actually just trying to be yourself. So here I am, writing for that mean.  The past decade has been challenging. I finally received my scroll of degree after all the dog days. I did went back to my Alma mater as a master trainer back in 2016 but I have no fond memories to be recollected there (other than reminiscing back the one I have with my 12 other siblings). The ambiance did track me back to what has happened particularly in certain places especially when the same thing happened back at the same exact time but nothing much has changed compared...

I'm in the middle of an emotional disturbances and writing somehow is a good therapy. Dealing with two long weeks of an emotionally exhausting period has got me thinking that this has been happening occasionally for a while now, and I am too much of an idiot to not realize that I can walk away from this. I somehow needed a mental therapy week to let these all go. I am currently planning for one. Spending holiday alone this year is so common that I am learning to get used to with it. I should look above future planning for the next long holidays. I tried resting but I got grumpy somehow. I am mad at everything – even on small things. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even get my words together to participate in a normal conversation. I miss the time when I found inner peace in me. I miss being happy.

I pray for nothing but your happiness with him.

I'm tired, stressed and feeling insecure. I don't want to be someone else's last resort to play the fire with when the fun in their life has gone for. I want to be someone's priority, not just an option. I'm sick of all the thrown sweet words but received nothing as an action. I hate being someone's sometimes. I deserve better in my life. I'm waiting for this week to be over so I can finally be emotionally independent. 🤗