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If I die young
Reading news about the demise of Naya Rivera has got me thinking today. I wasn't much of her fan but I liked the character she brought in Glee... and judging from all my entries back in 2010, you'll know that I'm definitely a die-hard Gleek. The show has helped me a lot during my time growing up in a place I found hard to be accepted and I personally thank all the casts for the lesson, the strength, and the wisdom back then. I can honestly say that I became the person I am today because of the show. 

I'm sorry for the terrible tragedy happened to you, Naya and thank you. Rest in peace. 


Full text from Pope Francis’ homily for the special ‘Urbi et Orbi’ blessing

“Teacher, do you not care if we perish?”

In his homily during the worldwide moment of prayer that Pope Francis led this evening, he reflected on how Coronavirus has united us in our common humanity, as brothers and sisters.
“We have realized that we are on the same boat, all of us fragile and disoriented, but at the same time important and needed, all of us called to row together,” he said.
He used the image of the disciples on the boat, caught by an unexpected storm, and Jesus asleep in the stern. When they call on the Lord, the disciples prove their faith, and yet Jesus rebukes them for their lack of faith.
Let us try to understand. In what does the lack of the disciples’ faith consist, as contrasted with Jesus’ trust? They had not stopped believing in him; in fact, they called on him. But we see how they call on him: “Teacher, do you not care if we perish?” (v. 38). Do you not care: they think that Jesus is not interested in them, does not care about them.
But “he, more than anyone, cares about us,” Pope Francis assured.
The pope said that God is calling us to faith, “which is not so much believing that you exist, but coming to you and trusting in you.”
And he said that this time of trial is a “time of choosing.”
It is not the time of your judgement, but of our judgement: a time to choose what matters and what passes away, a time to separate what is necessary from what is not. It is a time to get our lives back on track with regard to you, Lord, and to others.

Read the whole homily below:
“When evening had come” (Mk 4:35). The Gospel passage we have just heard begins like this. For weeks now it has been evening. Thick darkness has gathered over our squares, our streets and our cities; it has taken over our lives, filling everything with a deafening silence and a distressing void, that stops everything as it passes by; we feel it in the air, we notice in people’s gestures, their glances give them away. We find ourselves afraid and lost.
Like the disciples in the Gospel we were caught off guard by an unexpected, turbulent storm. We have realized that we are on the same boat, all of us fragile and disoriented, but at the same time important and needed, all of us called to row together, each of us in need of comforting the other. On this boat… are all of us. Just like those disciples, who spoke anxiously with one voice, saying “We are perishing” (v. 38), so we too have realized that we cannot go on thinking of ourselves, but only together can we do this. 
On this boat… are all of us.
It is easy to recognize ourselves in this story. What is harder to understand is Jesus’ attitude. While his disciples are quite naturally alarmed and desperate, he stands in the stern, in the part of the boat that sinks first. And what does he do? In spite of the tempest, he sleeps on soundly, trusting in the Father; this is the only time in the Gospels we see Jesus sleeping. When he wakes up, after calming the wind and the waters, he turns to the disciples in a reproaching voice: “Why are you afraid? Have you no faith?” (v. 40). 
Let us try to understand. In what does the lack of the disciples’ faith consist, as contrasted with Jesus’ trust? They had not stopped believing in him; in fact, they called on him. But we see how they call on him: “Teacher, do you not care if we perish?” (v. 38). Do you not care: they think that Jesus is not interested in them, does not care about them. One of the things that hurts us and our families most when we hear it said is: “Do you not care about me?” It is a phrase that wounds and unleashes storms in our hearts. It would have shaken Jesus too. Because he, more than anyone, cares about us. Indeed, once they have called on him, he saves his disciples from their discouragement. 
The storm exposes our vulnerability and uncovers those false and superfluous certainties around which we have constructed our daily schedules, our projects, our habits and priorities. It shows us how we have allowed to become dull and feeble the very things that nourish, sustain and strengthen our lives and our communities. The tempest lays bare all our prepackaged ideas and forgetfulness of what nourishes our people’s souls; all those attempts that anesthetize us with ways of thinking and acting that supposedly “save” us, but instead prove incapable of putting us in touch with our roots and keeping alive the memory of those who have gone before us. We deprive ourselves of the antibodies we need to confront adversity. 
In this storm, the façade of those stereotypes with which we camouflaged our egos, always worrying about our image, has fallen away, uncovering once more that (blessed) common belonging, of which we cannot be deprived: our belonging as brothers and sisters. 
“Why are you afraid? Have you no faith?” Lord, your word this evening strikes us and regards us, all of us. In this world, that you love more than we do, we have gone ahead at breakneck speed, feeling powerful and able to do anything. Greedy for profit, we let ourselves get caught up in things, and lured away by haste. We did not stop at your reproach to us, we were not shaken awake by wars or injustice across the world, nor did we listen to the cry of the poor or of our ailing planet. We carried on regardless, thinking we would stay healthy in a world that was sick. Now that we are in a stormy sea, we implore you: “Wake up, Lord!”. 
Lord, you are calling to us, calling us to faith
“Why are you afraid? Have you no faith?” Lord, you are calling to us, calling us to faith. Which is not so much believing that you exist, but coming to you and trusting in you. This Lent your call reverberates urgently: “Be converted!”, “Return to me with all your heart” (Joel 2:12). You are calling on us to seize this time of trial as a time of choosing. It is not the time of your judgement, but of our judgement: a time to choose what matters and what passes away, a time to separate what is necessary from what is not. It is a time to get our lives back on track with regard to you, Lord, and to others.
We can look to so many exemplary companions for the journey, who, even though fearful, have reacted by giving their lives. This is the force of the Spirit poured out and fashioned in courageous and generous self-denial. It is the life in the Spirit that can redeem, value and demonstrate how our lives are woven together and sustained by ordinary people – often forgotten people – who do not appear in newspaper and magazine headlines nor on the grand catwalks of the latest show, but who without any doubt are in these very days writing the decisive events of our time: doctors, nurses, supermarket employees, cleaners, caregivers, providers of transport, law and order forces, volunteers, priests, religious men and women and so very many others who have understood that no one reaches salvation by themselves.
In the face of so much suffering, where the authentic development of our peoples is assessed, we experience the priestly prayer of Jesus: “That they may all be one” (Jn 17:21). How many people every day are exercising patience and offering hope, taking care to sow not panic but a shared responsibility. How many fathers, mothers, grandparents and teachers are showing our children, in small everyday gestures, how to face up to and navigate a crisis by adjusting their routines, lifting their gaze and fostering prayer. How many are praying, offering and interceding for the good of all. Prayer and quiet service: these are our victorious weapons. 
Prayer and quiet service: these are our victorious weapons. 
“Why are you afraid? Have you no faith”? Faith begins when we realise we are in need of salvation. We are not self-sufficient; by ourselves we flounder: we need the Lord, like ancient navigators needed the stars. Let us invite Jesus into the boats of our lives. Let us hand over our fears to him so that he can conquer them. Like the disciples, we will experience that with him on board there will be no shipwreck. Because this is God’s strength: turning to the good everything that happens to us, even the bad things. He brings serenity into our storms, because with God life never dies. 
The Lord asks us and, in the midst of our tempest, invites us to reawaken and put into practice that solidarity and hope capable of giving strength, support and meaning to these hours when everything seems to be floundering. The Lord awakens so as to reawaken and revive our Easter faith.
We have an anchor: by his cross we have been saved. We have a rudder: by his cross we have been redeemed. We have a hope: by his cross we have been healed and embraced so that nothing and no one can separate us from his redeeming love. In the midst of isolation when we are suffering from a lack of tenderness and chances to meet up, and we experience the loss of so many things, let us once again listen to the proclamation that saves us: he is risen and is living by our side.
The Lord asks us from his cross to rediscover the life that awaits us, to look towards those who look to us, to strengthen, recognize and foster the grace that lives within us. Let us not quench the wavering flame (cf. Is 42:3) that never falters, and let us allow hope to be rekindled. 
We have an anchor… We have a rudder… We have a hope
Embracing his cross means finding the courage to embrace all the hardships of the present time, abandoning for a moment our eagerness for power and possessions in order to make room for the creativity that only the Spirit is capable of inspiring. It means finding the courage to create spaces where everyone can recognize that they are called, and to allow new forms of hospitality, fraternity and solidarity.
By his cross we have been saved in order to embrace hope and let it strengthen and sustain all measures and all possible avenues for helping us protect ourselves and others. Embracing the Lord in order to embrace hope: that is the strength of faith, which frees us from fear and gives us hope. 
“Why are you afraid? Have you no faith”? Dear brothers and sisters, from this place that tells of Peter’s rock-solid faith, I would like this evening to entrust all of you to the Lord, through the intercession of Mary, Health of the People and Star of the stormy Sea. From this colonnade that embraces Rome and the whole world, may God’s blessing come down upon you as a consoling embrace.
Lord, may you bless the world, give health to our bodies and comfort our hearts. You ask us not to be afraid. Yet our faith is weak and we are fearful. But you, Lord, will not leave us at the mercy of the storm. Tell us again: “Do not be afraid” (Mt 28:5). And we, together with Peter, “cast all our anxieties onto you, for you care about us” (cf. 1 Pet 5:7).

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March has never agreed with me.
I don't really want to say that this year but it is... and during these final days of me pushing 20, I could never imagine it to get even worse. I'm not really writing to tell the world that I am the victim of a toxic mind. I am not. I'm here because this needed to be heard... too.

My self-esteem is dying.

I feel like a worthless person who doesn't deserve anything. My anxiety is at its peak and the only thing I could do about it is to brush it off but I can't. My mind keeps belittling me for everything I'm trying to say, to think, to write. If you would ask... Everything, EVERYTHING is wrong with me. I keep telling myself to restructure my self-being but my body is just too exhausted to even do that.

I'm exhausted.

These days has been the darkest ever... and putting a smile up on my face is a lie.
I'm once again lost. I don't know where to go.

I'm lost.

I need help.


An anecdote for the past decade

It's finally 2020 and a new decade has commenced. I'm currently using my free time to write because I needed these to be heard without judgement. My social circle is very small, even talking in it seems a hazard. People have always assumed that my words are argumentative when I was just being expressive. In this era, it is explicitly rare to find someone who will actually be there and listen to you when you're actually just trying to be yourself. So here I am, writing for that mean. 

The past decade has been challenging. I finally received my scroll of degree after all the dog days. I did went back to my Alma mater as a master trainer back in 2016 but I have no fond memories to be recollected there (other than reminiscing back the one I have with my 12 other siblings). The ambiance did track me back to what has happened particularly in certain places especially when the same thing happened back at the same exact time but nothing much has changed compared to the last time I set my foot there except for the nearest town development in process. I didn't really expect to go back after just 3 years of graduating but fate don't know me like it does now, don't it?

2014 was the year I started working as an educator. It was funny considering all the years I was trained to be one, I still found myself apathetic to the real situation (probably because of my work environment). I kept telling myself lies for  a year thinking that I won't let myself be kept in contempt here for more than 2 years. Then came 2015, the most significant year I could probably live in. I'm positively definite that, what has lead me to stand here today, started in 2015. Everything turned upside down and I got addicted to working. I was miserable back then but ludicrously I was happy with what have I gotten into - I didn't even count my days for holidays! This kept going for a year (specifically August 2016 - been writing about this since day one).

I received my first award in the education industry in 2016. I was awarded excellency that year and I quite didn't expect all the accolades to keep coming in up until last year (received my ninth award already). It wasn't actually that easy to achieve them all. My dedication is still being questioned even after all the sacrifices I've made but I refuse to let myself deal with the negativity of society. If so, I'm no different than them. I'm not sure why smart shaming is still a choice in our community but that really cleared up to the reason why certain people can't progress. An advise I kept telling myself is not to sink to that level.

I'm still here, at the same old school. This might probably be the last year I'm going to teach here since it's really hard to grow here intellectually - even one of my colleagues confessed the same thing. I didn't mind the money. I just want to be happy. I'm willing to let go of the idea that money can provide me that (it does not!). There are lots of opportunities out there I've missed without knowing and spending another decade here is idiotic. 

So here goes 2020,
another decade to savor, to relish and to live for.
May this be another significant decade for us all to reminisce. 
Maybe this decade holds something for as all, God only knows.

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I'm in the middle of an emotional disturbances and writing somehow is a good therapy. Dealing with two long weeks of an emotionally exhausting period has got me thinking that this has been happening occasionally for a while now, and I am too much of an idiot to not realize that I can walk away from this. I somehow needed a mental therapy week to let these all go. I am currently planning for one. Spending holiday alone this year is so common that I am learning to get used to with it. I should look above future planning for the next long holidays. I tried resting but I got grumpy somehow. I am mad at everything – even on small things. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even get my words together to participate in a normal conversation. I miss the time when I found inner peace in me. I miss being happy.

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I pray for nothing but your happiness with him.
Someone's sometimes
I'm tired, stressed and feeling insecure.
I don't want to be someone else's last resort to play the fire with when the fun in their life has gone for. I want to be someone's priority, not just an option. I'm sick of all the thrown sweet words but received nothing as an action.
I hate being someone's sometimes.
I deserve better in my life.
I'm waiting for this week to be over so I can finally be emotionally independent.

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Come What May
There have been a great changes in my life lately, I was home the other week when it occurred to me. The only thing bookmarked to the occasion was the 3rd play off between England and Belgium on the current year FIFA World Cup league. I was rooting for the Welsh's neighbor to win but to disappointment. Anyway, there we were, the whole family sitting together to watch the match. I don't think it'll be easier for us to gather round as such in the upcoming days. Now that the last of our siblings have already chosen to further her study, everything is going to change therefore. I have always thought that leaving home is a great chance for me to grow, to experience new things in my life - and the family was so lucky that we are able to undergo those experiences together since the last 13 years. We lived in so many places that we get to live the life of other races differently to make us a tad more cultured. Each places haa a different story to tell but I'll get to that back later.

I never see this from a different point of view - my parents. Since the last time I fetched my younger brother, the second last, for this same occasion, I was actually glad that he'll venture the life for his own. This is the kind of things that will make you up to who you become in the future. Thinking that the youngest would still be around, it eased me to at least think that they will occupy the denomination of home. There were a few times when I have nothing to do being stationed outside and I chose to go back. Those were the days when I would spend the time with her watching our favourite series, or playing ps4 and of course me being a sore brother asking her autocratically. We actually are not that much of a different. I can see myself in her. She's smart and very very independent - that's for sure. The one resemblance that put me to my worry is her state of bottling up her emotion. Her degree of respects towards other people are very high that it is hard for her to say no to some things. I can also see the aspiration in her eyes that she won't be talking about. I don't actually want these to change, per se, but up to some point, we have to learn to say no to things we don't like and to just grab those that we do. She's still young. I'm sure she will grow up to be a better person, even besting me.

I miss the old days.
I miss everything the old days have to offer.
I hate changes and even more if it's radical.
I refuse to believe that it grows you up, it most certainly is not.
The best teacher we have in our life is experience.
Changes have nothing to do with it. 

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Hidden scars

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It's a quarter past three in the morning and I can not manage to be sleeping. There are abounding memories that keeps lingering in my mind right now and I can not seem to hush them away. I'm still outside, drinking beers and hoping that the moon will show up but I know my efforts are to be disappointed.

I chose to stay out this week. I can not afford to go back to my work place. I'm depressed, and going back in there would be another mistake I'll make today.

I'm writing this entry for you.

I miss you. I miss you so much. Truthfully, I miss the old you. The old you who cared about us, about the relationship. The old you who didn't take me for granted. The old you, who listened. I knew how much this situation hurts, believe me but I chose to be quiet today because I know I can not control my words when my feelings has got into me.

I can still recall how this all started. I can reminisce every memories we have ventured together from day one to what made us up until now - every ups and every downs. From the very first movie we watched together to the very last period of the recent subtitle. From the very first sunrise, to the last sunset. From the very first song to the last of its lyric. I cherished every bits of them in tiny details.  

I want you to know that my feeling has never changed for you but who am I to say that, I'm no jackpot boyfriend. What could I possibly have for you to accept me back. While you're the best person I have ever met in my life, I have nothing to provide to you. I lack your qualities; your sensitivity, your intelligence, your thoughtfulness... I'm surrounded by my shortcomings that might have possibly driven you away to who you are now. 

If you're reading this, I want you to know that I still love you. With all my heart and soul. No words deep enough to be written, no gesture can act utterly to prove. To the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.


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A Cessation Of Hostilities

I’ve met anger.
I’m meeting anger
March has never agreed with me and this year’s might have been the worst of it. I haven’t planned anything for the day but I did expect it to go well.
And that’s where the problem begins.
I expected too much.
I wanted so vastly much that even a slight detour can lead to helplessness in the face of fate. So it did. With no reserved plan, I might as well finish this book of mine. There are still thousands of pages left, I hope some of it will distract me from all the jumbled feelings.
Here's more »

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Page 365 From The Book of 2017
I haven't written a thing this year (although there are a few unpublished drafts saved on my dashboard). I might have gone pretty much occupied and the state of having a significant other in my life has actually changed my course to the other direction. I have nothing much to say here. I initially wanted to review my year of 2017 but there's actually nothing much to be talked about. I'm still working in that interior school and I am getting used to with it except for the fact that it rendered my intellect moot. I've been taking a lot of courses and concurred to some outstation duties just to expand my mind so that I won't have to debate that this 'working in an interior place yields thousand experiences' could actually be a consent. I refuse to use my experiences as a weapon of battering tool. There are lots of great people out there and I'm well aware that I still need more acquiring to reach to that level - and I'm willing to do that for the sake of self-improvement.

My journal this year has been mostly empty. I've spent all my leisure sleeping and resting because that's the only free time I'll ever gonna get. This year has been exhausting, both physically and mentally. I wonder how did I get pass through with it all but I actually did and I'm moderately proud of myself (because after all the reflections made, I still think I could do better). One of my resolution every year is to achieve something in my life (career wise). Even if it's something small, it will still appear as a blotch to prove that I'm relatively developing.

I'm hoping for the best next year - professionally and personally.

This will be my only (and last) entry for 2017. 2018 comprises a lot of new adventures ahead. Let's buckle up and say cheers to this final page.

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Is It not?
Why is this indifference so confusing?

I want to hold your hand everywhere I go,
grip your palm and never let go,
I want to listen to your voice every day,
Until there is no words left to say,

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to be able to see your face every night,
watch the windows of your soul close tight.
I want to feel your heartbeat as you sleep,
hug you dearly as you go into the deep.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to walk along the beach with you again,
make footprints to mark it when.
I want to watch you build your fortress,
sit on the sand smiling to your fondness.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to gaze the moon with you again,
glorify its beauty that made me blind.
I want to fondle your face under its illumination,
as we listen the radio for another love song.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to feel the breezes of the warm wind with you again,
mere walking every now and then.
I want to stay with you here,
for the air is clear and there's nothing to fear.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to adore the sunset with you again,
Can we just do that just one more time?
I want to have that endless talk with you again,
Can I just have it one more time?

What is it that you desire?
That could be so different from all those
Ain't I making you happy?
Don't you find happiness in me?


Fading wave
They were so different from each other yet still there they are together. Despite all the quarreling and occasional altercations, something in their mind binds them to the realization that those are actually one of the distinctions that complete them. Time doesn’t support their affections so as conventional opinions; they get through no matter what. Well there's something about the scenery that describes the whole situations differently. The fading hue of the yellowish sky refracts the illumination of the sun admirably that it touches both of their skin so warmly to their heart.  The sand they’re standing on is a mere representation of a dais that allows the final wave of the ocean to fade out and when the hindmost bubbles reach their feet, they seem so ferocious to erasing the footprints they have left behind but no matter how far it hits, it will never be able to wash away the memories they have created there together. The breezes, yes the one element that amalgamates their vicinity to their core consolidates their awareness of being together, blows tenderly condoning the warmth of the bright sunset. That day seems to end in no minute. The moon finally came to address that. There’s another chapter that tells about the moon - but not there… not now… #H4R1

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Despite being such a miserable factotum at the moment, I'm actually in the perfect mood to write something up on my wall. Entering school after a long period of time really puts me into a bumpy situation - both literally and metaphorically. Adapting to a workaholic life was a strong suite for me before. I don’t even know why my sentiment changes 360° nowadays. Maybe I’m just exhausted of living in the same situation or perhaps this is mere boredom. Let’s just hope for the best out of it. Well apparently, this song is on loop:

I am a person known to be easily affected by songs so my mood now is plainly conjecturable. I haven’t had this feeling for many a year now that I forgot how to manage this. In a proper sense kind of way, I’d say that I’m a stranger to this. I am but to be imminent to confusion that this actually never happens to me before. It’s somehow soothing to the heart but perpendicularly painful to be endured.

I’m counting my days now: holiday is just around the corner and though I haven’t planned of anything, there’s this blurry reverie telling me what to do next.  All the anecdotes I have written before should probably reveal that I’ll be impromptu with my respites. Let’s just wait and see.

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