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I'm in the middle of an emotional disturbances and writing somehow is a good therapy. Dealing with two long weeks of an emotionally exhausting period has got me thinking that this has been happening occasionally for a while now, and I am too much of an idiot to not realize that I can walk away from this. I somehow needed a mental therapy week to let these all go. I am currently planning for one. Spending holiday alone this year is so common that I am learning to get used to with it. I should look above future planning for the next long holidays. I tried resting but I got grumpy somehow. I am mad at everything – even on small things. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even get my words together to participate in a normal conversation. I miss the time when I found inner peace in me. I miss being happy.

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I pray for nothing but your happiness with him.
Someone's sometimes
I'm tired, stressed and feeling insecure.
I don't want to be someone else's last resort to play the fire with when the fun in their life has gone for. I want to be someone's priority, not just an option. I'm sick of all the thrown sweet words but received nothing as an action.
I hate being someone's sometimes.
I deserve better in my life.
I'm waiting for this week to be over so I can finally be emotionally independent.

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Come What May
There have been a great changes in my life lately, I was home the other week when it occurred to me. The only thing bookmarked to the occasion was the 3rd play off between England and Belgium on the current year FIFA World Cup league. I was rooting for the Welsh's neighbor to win but to disappointment. Anyway, there we were, the whole family sitting together to watch the match. I don't think it'll be easier for us to gather round as such in the upcoming days. Now that the last of our siblings have already chosen to further her study, everything is going to change therefore. I have always thought that leaving home is a great chance for me to grow, to experience new things in my life - and the family was so lucky that we are able to undergo those experiences together since the last 13 years. We lived in so many places that we get to live the life of other races differently to make us a tad more cultured. Each places haa a different story to tell but I'll get to that back later.

I never see this from a different point of view - my parents. Since the last time I fetched my younger brother, the second last, for this same occasion, I was actually glad that he'll venture the life for his own. This is the kind of things that will make you up to who you become in the future. Thinking that the youngest would still be around, it eased me to at least think that they will occupy the denomination of home. There were a few times when I have nothing to do being stationed outside and I chose to go back. Those were the days when I would spend the time with her watching our favourite series, or playing ps4 and of course me being a sore brother asking her autocratically. We actually are not that much of a different. I can see myself in her. She's smart and very very independent - that's for sure. The one resemblance that put me to my worry is her state of bottling up her emotion. Her degree of respects towards other people are very high that it is hard for her to say no to some things. I can also see the aspiration in her eyes that she won't be talking about. I don't actually want these to change, per se, but up to some point, we have to learn to say no to things we don't like and to just grab those that we do. She's still young. I'm sure she will grow up to be a better person, even besting me.

I miss the old days.
I miss everything the old days have to offer.
I hate changes and even more if it's radical.
I refuse to believe that it grows you up, it most certainly is not.
The best teacher we have in our life is experience.
Changes have nothing to do with it. 

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Hidden scars

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It's a quarter past three in the morning and I can not manage to be sleeping. There are abounding memories that keeps lingering in my mind right now and I can not seem to hush them away. I'm still outside, drinking beers and hoping that the moon will show up but I know my efforts are to be disappointed.

I chose to stay out this week. I can not afford to go back to my work place. I'm depressed, and going back in there would be another mistake I'll make today.

I'm writing this entry for you.

I miss you. I miss you so much. Truthfully, I miss the old you. The old you who cared about us, about the relationship. The old you who didn't take me for granted. The old you, who listened. I knew how much this situation hurts, believe me but I chose to be quiet today because I know I can not control my words when my feelings has got into me.

I can still recall how this all started. I can reminisce every memories we have ventured together from day one to what made us up until now - every ups and every downs. From the very first movie we watched together to the very last period of the recent subtitle. From the very first sunrise, to the last sunset. From the very first song to the last of its lyric. I cherished every bits of them in tiny details.  

I want you to know that my feeling has never changed for you but who am I to say that, I'm no jackpot boyfriend. What could I possibly have for you to accept me back. While you're the best person I have ever met in my life, I have nothing to provide to you. I lack your qualities; your sensitivity, your intelligence, your thoughtfulness... I'm surrounded by my shortcomings that might have possibly driven you away to who you are now. 

If you're reading this, I want you to know that I still love you. With all my heart and soul. No words deep enough to be written, no gesture can act utterly to prove. To the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.


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A Cessation Of Hostilities

I’ve met anger.
I’m meeting anger
March has never agreed with me and this year’s might have been the worst of it. I haven’t planned anything for the day but I did expect it to go well.
And that’s where the problem begins.
I expected too much.
I wanted so vastly much that even a slight detour can lead to helplessness in the face of fate. So it did. With no reserved plan, I might as well finish this book of mine. There are still thousands of pages left, I hope some of it will distract me from all the jumbled feelings.
Here's more »

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Page 365 From The Book of 2017
I haven't written a thing this year (although there are a few unpublished drafts saved on my dashboard). I might have gone pretty much occupied and the state of having a significant other in my life has actually changed my course to the other direction. I have nothing much to say here. I initially wanted to review my year of 2017 but there's actually nothing much to be talked about. I'm still working in that interior school and I am getting used to with it except for the fact that it rendered my intellect moot. I've been taking a lot of courses and concurred to some outstation duties just to expand my mind so that I won't have to debate that this 'working in an interior place yields thousand experiences' could actually be a consent. I refuse to use my experiences as a weapon of battering tool. There are lots of great people out there and I'm well aware that I still need more acquiring to reach to that level - and I'm willing to do that for the sake of self-improvement.

My journal this year has been mostly empty. I've spent all my leisure sleeping and resting because that's the only free time I'll ever gonna get. This year has been exhausting, both physically and mentally. I wonder how did I get pass through with it all but I actually did and I'm moderately proud of myself (because after all the reflections made, I still think I could do better). One of my resolution every year is to achieve something in my life (career wise). Even if it's something small, it will still appear as a blotch to prove that I'm relatively developing.

I'm hoping for the best next year - professionally and personally.

This will be my only (and last) entry for 2017. 2018 comprises a lot of new adventures ahead. Let's buckle up and say cheers to this final page.

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Is It not?
Why is this indifference so confusing?

I want to hold your hand everywhere I go,
grip your palm and never let go,
I want to listen to your voice every day,
Until there is no words left to say,

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to be able to see your face every night,
watch the windows of your soul close tight.
I want to feel your heartbeat as you sleep,
hug you dearly as you go into the deep.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to walk along the beach with you again,
make footprints to mark it when.
I want to watch you build your fortress,
sit on the sand smiling to your fondness.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to gaze the moon with you again,
glorify its beauty that made me blind.
I want to fondle your face under its illumination,
as we listen the radio for another love song.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to feel the breezes of the warm wind with you again,
mere walking every now and then.
I want to stay with you here,
for the air is clear and there's nothing to fear.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to adore the sunset with you again,
Can we just do that just one more time?
I want to have that endless talk with you again,
Can I just have it one more time?

What is it that you desire?
That could be so different from all those
Ain't I making you happy?
Don't you find happiness in me?


Fading wave
They were so different from each other yet still there they are together. Despite all the quarreling and occasional altercations, something in their mind binds them to the realization that those are actually one of the distinctions that complete them. Time doesn’t support their affections so as conventional opinions; they get through no matter what. Well there's something about the scenery that describes the whole situations differently. The fading hue of the yellowish sky refracts the illumination of the sun admirably that it touches both of their skin so warmly to their heart.  The sand they’re standing on is a mere representation of a dais that allows the final wave of the ocean to fade out and when the hindmost bubbles reach their feet, they seem so ferocious to erasing the footprints they have left behind but no matter how far it hits, it will never be able to wash away the memories they have created there together. The breezes, yes the one element that amalgamates their vicinity to their core consolidates their awareness of being together, blows tenderly condoning the warmth of the bright sunset. That day seems to end in no minute. The moon finally came to address that. There’s another chapter that tells about the moon - but not there… not now… #H4R1

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Despite being such a miserable factotum at the moment, I'm actually in the perfect mood to write something up on my wall. Entering school after a long period of time really puts me into a bumpy situation - both literally and metaphorically. Adapting to a workaholic life was a strong suite for me before. I don’t even know why my sentiment changes 360° nowadays. Maybe I’m just exhausted of living in the same situation or perhaps this is mere boredom. Let’s just hope for the best out of it. Well apparently, this song is on loop:

I am a person known to be easily affected by songs so my mood now is plainly conjecturable. I haven’t had this feeling for many a year now that I forgot how to manage this. In a proper sense kind of way, I’d say that I’m a stranger to this. I am but to be imminent to confusion that this actually never happens to me before. It’s somehow soothing to the heart but perpendicularly painful to be endured.

I’m counting my days now: holiday is just around the corner and though I haven’t planned of anything, there’s this blurry reverie telling me what to do next.  All the anecdotes I have written before should probably reveal that I’ll be impromptu with my respites. Let’s just wait and see.

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Cinta Sukar Ditafsirkan
Siurang malas mau edit kasi masuk effect apa segala.. Biarla suara macam katak kan yang pinting happy... Hahaha
Here's more »

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Spirits Abroad by Zen Cho
So as promised, here's a short review I thought worth sharing about a book I finished reading just a couple of days ago. As a head start, I would like to point out that I'm a fan of anything horror. Superstitions have never been so eerie these couple of years growing up, the only place I might get that is from all the imaginations typed-expressed by others. As much as I enjoy being a reader, some writings failed to impress me... Like this one I'm about to share.

Spirits Abroad is written by Zen Cho, a born and raised Malaysian who currently lives in England. She mostly writes speculative fictions, with the occasional foray into romance as claimed by herself in her website. She was the joint winner of the IAFA William L. Crawford Fantasy Award in 2015 for her short story collections, Spirits Abroad. Cho has a law degree from Cambridge university, and works as a lawyer in London. Her debut novel, Sorcerer to the Crown, was published in 2015.

Spirits Abroad is a collection of short stories, published by award-winning Malaysian press Buku Fixi as part of their English-language imprint Fixi Novo (I like the cool way they claim their copyright). The book includes three new stories, as well as stories previously featured in various zines and anthologies. It was a joint winner of the 2015 Crawford Award (, 2015). Three chapters of this book, Here, There and Elsewhere, contains a number of short stories non-depicting to one another.

Knowing that Zen Cho is from Malaysia per se, manglish is common in this book. This isn't a strong suite for someone who wants to learn better English so I deducted the stars directly. The unseemly desperate attempts to mash up traditional beliefs and today's modernization lifestyles has also made it absurd to understand some of the writings. This can be netted in her stories, First National Forum on the Position of Minorities in Malaysia, The house of Aunts, One-day Travelcard for Fairyland, Rising Lion - The Lion Bows (which I think written in a disturbingly fantasized way), The Mystery of The Suet Swain and Prudence and the Dragon.

Despite the negativeness, the chapter Elsewhere happened to mesmerize me. The three last stories embed their own values captivating my views upon humanity nowadays. For instance, The Earth Spirit's Favourite Anecdote reminded me of my idle childhood: how forest used to be my favourite home and also playground. Liyana, on the other hand, captioned the relationships I have back in hometown with my family and how undoubtedly heaven is on our mother's feet. The Four Generations of Chang E is a befuddling masterpiece but its ending happened to augment my conjectures to the possibility of our future and how I might embrace it myself.

As there's a saying, customer is always right, my ratings on this book are bound to change upon comprehensions. If you found yourself to be contradicting to any points I have listed above, you are mostly welcomed to alter them. 

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Currently in blues and I kinda have the mood to write. This song comes to the mind and I decided to share it here. As usual, lyrics remain everything I ever want to express. I don't actually know why I become so hopeless in every relationship I have. Probably because the unconventionality I'm facing in this makes it really hard to withstand. I hope consistently for the same thing cause I'm a very sentimental person. It all turns out wrong when people change. Changes makes it even malleable when you still cling to what you yearned for so long. I guess I just miss the old you. 😞😞😞😞

"Not In That Way"

And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don't want me

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependent
I'm such a fool

When you're not there,
I find myself singing the blues.
Can't bear,
Can't face the truth

You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

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