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Is It not?
Why is this indifference so confusing?

I want to hold your hand everywhere I go,
grip your palm and never let go,
I want to listen to your voice every day,
Until there is no words left to say,

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to be able to see your face every night,
watch the windows of your soul close tight.
I want to feel your heartbeat as you sleep,
hug you dearly as you go into the deep.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to walk along the beach with you again,
make footprints to mark it when.
I want to watch you build your fortress,
sit on the sand smiling to your fondness.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to gaze the moon with you again,
glorify its beauty that made me blind.
I want to fondle your face under its illumination,
as we listen the radio for another love song.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to feel the breezes of the warm wind with you again,
mere walking every now and then.
I want to stay with you here,
for the air is clear and there's nothing to fear.

Is it not your desire?
Don't you want it also?
I thought you want that too...
I thought you want that too...

I want to adore the sunset with you again,
Can we just do that just one more time?
I want to have that endless talk with you again,
Can I just have it one more time?

What is it that you desire?
That could be so different from all those
Ain't I making you happy?
Don't you find happiness in me?
#414

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Fading wave
They were so different from each other yet still there they are together. Despite all the quarreling and occasional altercations, something in their mind binds them to the realization that those are actually one of the distinctions that complete them. Time doesn’t support their affections so as conventional opinions; they get through no matter what. Well there's something about the scenery that describes the whole situations differently. The fading hue of the yellowish sky refracts the illumination of the sun admirably that it touches both of their skin so warmly to their heart.  The sand they’re standing on is a mere representation of a dais that allows the final wave of the ocean to fade out and when the hindmost bubbles reach their feet, they seem so ferocious to erasing the footprints they have left behind but no matter how far it hits, it will never be able to wash away the memories they have created there together. The breezes, yes the one element that amalgamates their vicinity to their core consolidates their awareness of being together, blows tenderly condoning the warmth of the bright sunset. That day seems to end in no minute. The moon finally came to address that. There’s another chapter that tells about the moon - but not there… not now… #H4R1

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Conjecturable
Despite being such a miserable factotum at the moment, I'm actually in the perfect mood to write something up on my wall. Entering school after a long period of time really puts me into a bumpy situation - both literally and metaphorically. Adapting to a workaholic life was a strong suite for me before. I don’t even know why my sentiment changes 360° nowadays. Maybe I’m just exhausted of living in the same situation or perhaps this is mere boredom. Let’s just hope for the best out of it. Well apparently, this song is on loop:


I am a person known to be easily affected by songs so my mood now is plainly conjecturable. I haven’t had this feeling for many a year now that I forgot how to manage this. In a proper sense kind of way, I’d say that I’m a stranger to this. I am but to be imminent to confusion that this actually never happens to me before. It’s somehow soothing to the heart but perpendicularly painful to be endured.

I’m counting my days now: holiday is just around the corner and though I haven’t planned of anything, there’s this blurry reverie telling me what to do next.  All the anecdotes I have written before should probably reveal that I’ll be impromptu with my respites. Let’s just wait and see.

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Cinta Sukar Ditafsirkan
Siurang malas mau edit kasi masuk effect apa segala.. Biarla suara macam katak kan yang pinting happy... Hahaha
Here's more »

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Spirits Abroad by Zen Cho
So as promised, here's a short review I thought worth sharing about a book I finished reading just a couple of days ago. As a head start, I would like to point out that I'm a fan of anything horror. Superstitions have never been so eerie these couple of years growing up, the only place I might get that is from all the imaginations typed-expressed by others. As much as I enjoy being a reader, some writings failed to impress me... Like this one I'm about to share.



Spirits Abroad is written by Zen Cho, a born and raised Malaysian who currently lives in England. She mostly writes speculative fictions, with the occasional foray into romance as claimed by herself in her website. She was the joint winner of the IAFA William L. Crawford Fantasy Award in 2015 for her short story collections, Spirits Abroad. Cho has a law degree from Cambridge university, and works as a lawyer in London. Her debut novel, Sorcerer to the Crown, was published in 2015.

Spirits Abroad is a collection of short stories, published by award-winning Malaysian press Buku Fixi as part of their English-language imprint Fixi Novo (I like the cool way they claim their copyright). The book includes three new stories, as well as stories previously featured in various zines and anthologies. It was a joint winner of the 2015 Crawford Award (http://zencho.org/spirits-abroad/#aboutbook, 2015). Three chapters of this book, Here, There and Elsewhere, contains a number of short stories non-depicting to one another.

Knowing that Zen Cho is from Malaysia per se, manglish is common in this book. This isn't a strong suite for someone who wants to learn better English so I deducted the stars directly. The unseemly desperate attempts to mash up traditional beliefs and today's modernization lifestyles has also made it absurd to understand some of the writings. This can be netted in her stories, First National Forum on the Position of Minorities in Malaysia, The house of Aunts, One-day Travelcard for Fairyland, Rising Lion - The Lion Bows (which I think written in a disturbingly fantasized way), The Mystery of The Suet Swain and Prudence and the Dragon.

Despite the negativeness, the chapter Elsewhere happened to mesmerize me. The three last stories embed their own values captivating my views upon humanity nowadays. For instance, The Earth Spirit's Favourite Anecdote reminded me of my idle childhood: how forest used to be my favourite home and also playground. Liyana, on the other hand, captioned the relationships I have back in hometown with my family and how undoubtedly heaven is on our mother's feet. The Four Generations of Chang E is a befuddling masterpiece but its ending happened to augment my conjectures to the possibility of our future and how I might embrace it myself.

As there's a saying, customer is always right, my ratings on this book are bound to change upon comprehensions. If you found yourself to be contradicting to any points I have listed above, you are mostly welcomed to alter them. 

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NOT IN THAT WAY



Currently in blues and I kinda have the mood to write. This song comes to the mind and I decided to share it here. As usual, lyrics remain everything I ever want to express. I don't actually know why I become so hopeless in every relationship I have. Probably because the unconventionality I'm facing in this makes it really hard to withstand. I hope consistently for the same thing cause I'm a very sentimental person. It all turns out wrong when people change. Changes makes it even malleable when you still cling to what you yearned for so long. I guess I just miss the old you. 😞😞😞😞

SAM SMITH LYRICS
"Not In That Way"

And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don't want me

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependent
I'm such a fool

When you're not there,
I find myself singing the blues.
Can't bear,
Can't face the truth

You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."


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DEPRESSION



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Dark history for Sabahan
It's the first day of my second semester and life has been okay so far. The first of everything in my life has always been the hardest especially when I have to say goodbye to something (in this case, my 3 weeks break). Holidays seem short when there's something worth spending with. I miss everything and going back here is a question I need to ask myself if it's for the best or not. My past 3 weeks were filled with all the feelings I can't describe myself. The first, of course, relaxed me to my core that I spent quite a lot of it on my own. I've been to my village, and that's where the horror begins.

Earthquake is actually a common thing already here now that I've encountered with it for a few times in my life. Reminiscing back, I was lucky to wake up so early (due to the nightmare haunted me that night). The shock begun when I was reading messages from my friends. At first it started as if someone was racing in the house. "This is going to end real quick" I said to myself thinking that my experiences with the tremors happened in my life before never actually leave a trace. When all of the sudden the quakes evolved until the house seemed like collapsing, I followed my family rushed outside. Realizing that my younger brother wasn't around, I quickly went into the house but fact is he left earlier to school that morning. When we entered the house a few minutes after, one of my book shelves was lying on my bed. I knew it would have hit me if I was still in the house.

The incident traumatized not just only me but to all people around the district (living on the epicenter of the earthquake itself!). My uncle is one of the survivors stranded at the peak of the Kinabalu Mountain. I salute him and his 32 other guide friends for their courage guiding the other 137 hikers back down safely. Thank God he's still alive. 18 life was sacrificed by the tremor (I know some of the victims) and 72 after-quakes were recorded to stabilize the plates. Of course mass media helps a lot in spreading gruesome news making the incident looks worse than it already has but only God know how it affected a lot to Sabahan especially those who live right below the mountain growing up everyday seeing how its structures changed and consume the lives of its people by the tumbling of the stones. 05 June 2015 marks the darkest history for all Sabahan.


I'm homesick. Hoping that the last 5.1M aftershock was the finale to end it all, I pray the people of Ranau for their safety especially for my families and friends back there. 

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EATING MY INSIDE
I have low self esteem. I'm writing this cause it needed to be heard. My will to solve every mistakes I've done is in grave I don't think I can handle much. I keep thinking the imminent answer should have provided me peace but that's too selfish (still it came by quite for a few times here in my brain). I needed to forget all these and by that it meant solve shits all by myself. The society thoughts of me makes me weak and I'm getting more sick having them included in the process. Some, I should say is kind enough to know what I need but somehow others just point their fingers to me telling me to shut it all. That sends me straight to the darkest part of my heart I think I should just...

I'm in pain. Physically? Doesn't matter to me but somehow the sadness, it's eating my inside. 

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SO LONG
So here I am. With the intention of finishing some jobs I left last year, I became bored and irritated. Holidays are finally over and believing it seems hard. I'm gonna miss this scenery. The fact that I'm still 'home' and secured really comforts me. I hate distance, it's been too long since distance separated me from living my life the way I wanted it to be and waiting for another 2 years (without confirmation) depressed me. My salary treats me well, that I can't defy but the consequences it brought to my emotional quotient has a very exaggerated impact too. I know I still have weekends to spend here but thinking I'm gonna leave this little fella,


I'm gonna miss everything here. I can't recall specifically stuffs that have brought me here for the past 2 months. My intention is to gave it away to time and it works as a charm. Holidays really treated me well and I look forward to it next.



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Happy New Year 2015
Happy New Year 2015.
This will be my first post for the year. It's pathetic to write this so soon but  I actually have a lot of leisure time, better crack something up. I'm bored of doing nothing (same thing everyday) as if it's still 2014. Sitting in front of the computer all day long disgusts me when my real life is out there somewhere. I need to change this. My virtual life is eating my inside and I'm letting it became part of them now. It's not obnoxious that a person of my age (of whom they say lives in the era of techs and stuffs) to say this but still those shits, actually bored the hell out of me. 



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Chances and luck
It's been long since I write this wall up. I haven't figured a time to do so but since it's on my side now, I think I'll sketch a word or two. Yesterday, I taught something valuable to the kids that it opened my heart embracing what I'm undergoing in my current life. Growing up isn't actually as cool as what have I imagined when I was in my younger years. The only thing matters about being old is to have our own superiority actually. Nobody likes to be treated as a kid as long as they don't be one. We'll earn the respect we deserved as long as someone sees us as a dweller in the upper part of the social pyramid. As a kid (in those era), I never thought of this. I wasn't patient enough I usually found myself daydreaming of what I'll become. Now that I'm still in my teenage journey and currently having a career, they weren't just actually a dream. Some may have skewed a bit but I am still on the right track of what I wanted to be. The journey is longer and what I'll bump next, is all up to chances… and luck.


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Fucking Immatures
I actually don't care about kids messing up the world but come on, adults just don't give a shit about them anymore. We are all grown ups thus able to think what is it right and wrong to do. Be respectful to yourself enough not to show how dumb you are publicly. Immaturity doesn't always resemble fun (well a part of it does) but in case like yours, they're stupid and childish. Probably because parts of your brain can't make decision wisely but out of all, people just can't go outside and rub their shoulders begging for sympathy. I pity you of course but let's just say your shits don't revolve around me. Considering my place on yours, I just can't take the embarrassment calmly so yeah, I respect you for that. *facepalm

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The best translation ever
I wanted to post this on my facebook wall but it just gets smaller you have to read it with magnifying glasses. So here it goes..



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Currently listening to this song and you (hover) should too...


I'm in the middle of a restful morning now that I am alone (again) LOL. There's going to be another weeding reception I'm going to attend this evening but let just say I'm not really in the mood of aramaiti right now. Holiday is just at it ends, I should spend the moments between without complaint. Browsing through car brochures at the moment made me anxious. I'm starting to ask myself if it's too early to own a car or if I am going to make a mistake in choosing. It's a one in a 9 years opportunity and considering the price I should pay, I wouldn't have much left to spend for myself and the rest of the people I care most. I'm not going to brag about my salary (get the clue? HAHAHAHA), but it's really not worth it. There's a lot to think now that I have a career. Exhibit A, when I was in my freshman years, I used to change using my mobile phone monthly (such immature). Having to think where I am going to live next, how am I going to survive... that's the greatest shit. All of my relatives, my friends (at approximately my age) are thinking about marriage this year and I don't think I'm brave enough to talk about putting a ring on my finger. I rather want to buy a wasteland by now thinking about having my own place to live.


For some people, this might not be a great deal but for someone as new as I, it's totally different. I have the responsibility to take care of my youngsters (actually a cooperation between me and my big bro) and having the obligation to be a responsible brother intrigue me to embrace the maturity. Sounds cocky, but that's the undeniable truth. 

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