† HomesickEric †

- you can press anywhere on the blank space to close -

Thursday, July 19, 2018@July 19, 2018

There have been a great changes in my life lately, I was home the other week when it occurred to me. The only thing bookmarked to the occasion was the 3rd play off between England and Belgium on the current year FIFA World Cup league. I was rooting for the Welsh's neighbor to win but to disappointment. Anyway, there we were, the whole family sitting together to watch the match. I don't think it'll be easier for us to gather round as such in the upcoming days. Now that the last of our siblings have already chosen to further her study, everything is going to change therefore. I have always thought that leaving home is a great chance for me to grow, to experience new things in my life - and the family was so lucky that we are able to undergo those experiences together since the last 13 years. We lived in so many places that we get to live the life of other races differently to make us a tad more cultured. Each places haa a different story to tell but I'll get to that back later.

I never see this from a different point of view - my parents. Since the last time I fetched my younger brother, the second last, for this same occasion, I was actually glad that he'll venture the life for his own. This is the kind of things that will make you up to who you become in the future. Thinking that the youngest would still be around, it eased me to at least think that they will occupy the denomination of home. There were a few times when I have nothing to do being stationed outside and I chose to go back. Those were the days when I would spend the time with her watching our favourite series, or playing ps4 and of course me being a sore brother asking her autocratically. We actually are not that much of a different. I can see myself in her. She's smart and very very independent - that's for sure. The one resemblance that put me to my worry is her state of bottling up her emotion. Her degree of respects towards other people are very high that it is hard for her to say no to some things. I can also see the aspiration in her eyes that she won't be talking about. I don't actually want these to change, per se, but up to some point, we have to learn to say no to things we don't like and to just grab those that we do. She's still young. I'm sure she will grow up to be a better person, even besting me.

I miss the old days.

I miss everything the old days have to offer.

I hate changes and even more if it's radical.

I refuse to believe that it grows you up, it most certainly is not.

The best teacher we have in our life is experience.

Changes have nothing to do with it.

Labels: Family - Family Guy, motivation, problems

DEPRESSION Add comment

Sunday, July 26, 2015@July 26, 2015

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, motivation, problems

Dark history for Sabahan Add comment

Monday, June 15, 2015@June 15, 2015

It's the first day of my second semester and life has been okay so far. The first of everything in my life has always been the hardest especially when I have to say goodbye to something (in this case, my 3 weeks break). Holidays seem short when there's something worth spending with. I miss everything and going back here is a question I need to ask myself if it's for the best or not. My past 3 weeks were filled with all the feelings I can't describe myself. The first, of course, relaxed me to my core that I spent quite a lot of it on my own. I've been to my village, and that's where the horror begins.

Earthquake is actually a common thing already here now that I've encountered with it for a few times in my life. Reminiscing back, I was lucky to wake up so early (due to the nightmare haunted me that night). The shock begun when I was reading messages from my friends. At first it started as if someone was racing in the house. "This is going to end real quick" I said to myself thinking that my experiences with the tremors happened in my life before never actually leave a trace. When all of the sudden the quakes evolved until the house seemed like collapsing, I followed my family rushed outside. Realizing that my younger brother wasn't around, I quickly went into the house but fact is he left earlier to school that morning. When we entered the house a few minutes after, one of my book shelves was lying on my bed. I knew it would have hit me if I was still in the house.

The incident traumatized not just only me but to all people around the district (living on the epicenter of the earthquake itself!). My uncle is one of the survivors stranded at the peak of the Kinabalu Mountain. I salute him and his 32 other guide friends for their courage guiding the other 137 hikers back down safely. Thank God he's still alive. 18 life was sacrificed by the tremor (I know some of the victims) and 72 after-quakes were recorded to stabilize the plates. Of course mass media helps a lot in spreading gruesome news making the incident looks worse than it already has but only God know how it affected a lot to Sabahan especially those who live right below the mountain growing up everyday seeing how its structures changed and consume the lives of its people by the tumbling of the stones. 05 June 2015 marks the darkest history for all Sabahan.

I'm homesick. Hoping that the last 5.1M aftershock was the finale to end it all, I pray the people of Ranau for their safety especially for my families and friends back there.

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, spooky

EATING MY INSIDE Add comment

Thursday, April 23, 2015@April 23, 2015

I have low self esteem. I'm writing this cause it needed to be heard. My will to solve every mistakes I've done is in grave I don't think I can handle much. I keep thinking the imminent answer should have provided me peace but that's too selfish (still it came by quite for a few times here in my brain). I needed to forget all these and by that it meant solve shits all by myself. The society thoughts of me makes me weak and I'm getting more sick having them included in the process. Some, I should say is kind enough to know what I need but somehow others just point their fingers to me telling me to shut it all. That sends me straight to the darkest part of my heart I think I should just...

I'm in pain. Physically? Doesn't matter to me but somehow the sadness, it's eating my inside.

Labels: Christianity, Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, problems

NOW Add comment

Wednesday, June 11, 2014@June 11, 2014

Currently listening to this song and you (hover) should too...

I'm in the middle of a restful morning now that I am alone (again) LOL. There's going to be another weeding reception I'm going to attend this evening but let just say I'm not really in the mood of aramaiti right now. Holiday is just at it ends, I should spend the moments between without complaint. Browsing through car brochures at the moment made me anxious. I'm starting to ask myself if it's too early to own a car or if I am going to make a mistake in choosing. It's a one in a 9 years opportunity and considering the price I should pay, I wouldn't have much left to spend for myself and the rest of the people I care most. I'm not going to brag about my salary (get the clue? HAHAHAHA), but it's really not worth it. There's a lot to think now that I have a career. Exhibit A, when I was in my freshman years, I used to change using my mobile phone monthly (such immature). Having to think where I am going to live next, how am I going to survive... that's the greatest shit. All of my relatives, my friends (at approximately my age) are thinking about marriage this year and I don't think I'm brave enough to talk about putting a ring on my finger. I rather want to buy a wasteland by now thinking about having my own place to live.

For some people, this might not be a great deal but for someone as new as I, it's totally different. I have the responsibility to take care of my youngsters (actually a cooperation between me and my big bro) and having the obligation to be a responsible brother intrigue me to embrace the maturity. Sounds cocky, but that's the undeniable truth.

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, Songs and Lyrics, spooky

Yesterday Holiday Add comment

Monday, June 09, 2014@June 09, 2014

Guten Tag.

I'm in the mood of blabbing so here goes the writing. Spending the holidays with le familia has been a bliss. It's been long since the days we made memories together so that's the one time I never regretted for being in dad's workplace. The last time I've spent my night time being there was last 2012 and now that I've much experienced the temperature , I've backpacked my own survival kits (just garments of course - LOL). I was born in a cold land (on the hills) but growing up in different places evolved me into someone who can't stand being in a chilly place. My dad's workplace is one of a kind. The temperature will turn into as low as 14°C in the midnight so sleeping would be a trouble. My future brother in law was there too (a fetcher, should I say) and I pity him much. The plan to go there was an abrupt and he didn't have his own survival kit. Preach the lesson, young guy.

Making the story short, here's some pictures to view:

So long till I step my foot here again. I'm beginning to be fond of the place as here, it started everything (in terms of my relationship - LOL).

Here's more »

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, motivation

THE DOG DAYS ARE OVER Add comment

Tuesday, December 31, 2013@December 31, 2013

It's a day before 2013 ends and here I am writing the last entry for the year. There are so much changes I encountered in my life recently. I decided to share this as a reminder for all of us to reflect back if life has been treating us like a pie. I am not a judgmental person. I decided not to blame life if it turned upside down. I'm the owner of my own life and how I'm being treated depends on me myself. 2013 would be another bookmark of my life as I finally ended my undergraduate years. Cheers to another peak where I'll be growing as a fine man thereafter. My final years of studies were awesome. Things have been pretty busy the day I went back to my college but I survived. I don't know why, I just did. Now that there's a lot of people I think have put me into their deal, I decided to back off from their life. I dwell in a pretty big situation where people think I have a great threat that they started to talk behind my back. Realizing they're a few steps behind to stabbing me, I ran and never look back. That's new for me. I usually would drop in and settle them down but I'm tired of more dramas in my life. The final solution for everything here now on is to walk this journey independently. If the muggles decided to play bullshits with me, I'll delete any of them straight away from my life. They don't belong there anyway.

13 more hours before next year and I'm still thinking about my next big resolution. For the whole past years I'm trying to be matured and professional and all, I think I missed something. The subs for dealing humanity is too overwhelming sometimes I slacked off. I'm thinking hard to plan life for the next 12 months and ended up aching. I'll get back to that later. I'm feeling a little immature by this but as a visionary, I don't think I should 'let life flows as it is' for me. I'm sick of being stuck in the middle of no where pretending that I have made myself a big surprise. They're just excuses - a compliment I made myself for doing something ordinary. I need to achieve something next year, and that's a must.

So here's to the final deal,

Goodbye to you people who judge me too much you forgot about your own craps,

Thank you for those who don't give a damn about my life and still stay,

Hello to you new people who will intercept my journey here after!

and

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014!

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, motivation, problems

So much for holidays Add comment

Thursday, December 19, 2013@December 19, 2013

It's 6 days before Christmas and I don't feel like it. I've been through a lot of career stuffs lately and my life is more depressing as ever. I don't think I deserve this way. My holidays are ruined might be because of the fact that I accumulated such a lot of hopes and ended up being dissapointed too much. I should have known things are going to be more complicated but still I was hoping for a silver lining between them. I was wrong. There's too much to be taken care of now and I am totally out of control. So much for holidays..

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, problems

Damn you Seth Macfarlane! Add comment

Sunday, December 01, 2013@December 01, 2013

Aloha,

I've seen the latest Family Guy episode and it stroked me to death knowing that Brian is not going to be around the show anymore. I couldn't resist but to memorize back all the years I've been watching his jokes back at the show. It's been a long 2 years knowing what he's into, I don't understand why Seth decided to kill him. I adore him... His sense of humour, his intelligence... and he was just a dog!

Damn you Seth Macfarlane!

Labels: Family - Family Guy, problems

I NEED MOTIVATION Add comment

Tuesday, November 19, 2013@November 19, 2013

My life has made its great leap recently now that I'm unofficially graduated. I haven't planned anything nice for this holiday other than enjoying quality times with my family as it is. I still have that comfortable feeling being away from home but still I rather not go to that college anymore. Everything seems boring nowadays currently because I haven't planned anything. I need something new in my life! Something to boost up my motivation to wake up next day and sing like that guy in 'American dad'.

Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. And never demand. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will happen..

Labels: Family - Family Guy, motivation, problems

MY FORTUNE Add comment

Tuesday, October 01, 2013@October 01, 2013

Hello there.

So making the story short, I went to a fortune telling booth today and had myself predicted by tarot cards reading. As usual I have to shuffle the decks to get started and conscientiously chosen 3 cards accordingly to my past, present and future. I didn't care enough of my past as I know I've pass them through well. What I care most is this card representing my present situation:

Unfortunately, this card was the least I expected to draw. I'm not a superstitious person but I found the values of being predicted mysterious (been on this insight a few years back online). Curiosity made me google it's meaning when the only thing I can hear from the fortune teller is this sentence:

"It literally doesn't represent death itself. It symbolizes the end of something.. maybe a career, a relationship... or something that you care most..."

I've been facing the face of 'death' too much lately (although it doesn't actually affect my life) but I still empathize what it symbolizes to me. I pity myself for being too carried away emotionally knowing I shouldn't bother much. These few interpretations have a slight penetration on me:

The change of perspective through which The Hanged Man have passed is truly transformational, thus it is natural that the next card is all about transformation, the birth of something new after something old has died. This card certainly and unjustly is one of the less popular when it shows up in the reading. In the west even the word is sometimes stigmatized while in the east, people are more likely to understand that death is integral part of cycle of life, nothing new can ever happen if some old things don't die. This card can actually mean a "true" death but this card is primary about a transformation, the endings. The end of your current employment that you are not satisfied with, of some kind of relationship in your life, maybe it signifies moving to a new house or just changing a personal image. In fact, many times we are delighted something is finally over and done with. The ones who are afraid of this card are those that don't understand that the change is beneficial and it happens all the time. Look at yourself ten, twenty years ago and you will see that some parts of you, some beliefs you had have died while some other have taken their place. The only reason why transformation is illustrated in such catastrophic tone is because it is often fought against by those whose egos are afraid of the change. Just look at our politicians today all over the globe, they are certain to experience this card on one level or the other, because Death, just like Justice is fair and inevitable.

also this...

Death, the Tarot card of transformation, signifies the commencement of profound change. In a Tarot reading, the Death card indicates that another life cycle has ended and a new cycle has begun. Death often represents the transition between these two chapters of life. The Death Tarot card is the continuation of The Hanged Man’s journey of surrender. Sacrifice has led to self-acceptance, and one’s concept of self has been forever altered. The old self has been discarded and a new one has yet to fully form. In death, a new birth inevitably follows.

Thirteen is the corresponding number to Death. The number thirteen is made up of the numbers one and three and when added together equals the number four. Four represents stability and order. Four is the number of manifestation.

Death, so often associated with chaos, actually initiates the transformation necessary to begin a new phase of life. In a Tarot spread, the Death card represents the rules of nature, which transform old life into the new. Death is not an ending, but rather a part of a greater cycle where the past lays foundations for the future. Death is part of a larger pattern. What can be seen as destructive is, in truth, the opportunity for something much greater. Death plants the seeds for the growth of tomorrow. Death is an act of generosity as it cleanses and purges the remnants of our old lives. Although there is a great deal of grief associated with death, this grief serves a productive purpose. It is our way of saying goodbye to something familiar and known, and ultimately prepares us for a new way of living.

The negative aspect to the Death card is inevitability. In a Tarot reading, the Death card reminds us that death does not discriminate and has no preferences. All must eventually meet him on their journey. Death's Tarot card meanings remind us of our mortality and constantly shadows our every move. We cannot escape death nor try to make a deal with him. He represents the ultimate act of acceptance.

I could barely paying attention if the card I've picked was upside down (I thought the fortune teller was supposed to know about this) but still here's the meaning for future references:

In a reversed position, Death typically warns that there is a refusal to change. This could be related to a fear of the unknown or being too attached to old ideas that allow you to feel safe. In a Tarot reading, Death indicates that you are gripping on to an outdated situation, relationship, or perspective. You may feel a reluctance to look forward due to your attachment to the past. You may be forced to give up what you do not necessarily want to. Resisting change makes the process much more painful. Surrender and acceptance would be in your best interest. Choosing to face the transformation reaps the greatest reward.

Failure to change

Fear of the future

Feelings of depression and apathy

Attachment to one’s past

I wasn't sure if I've actually met the reincarnation they mentioned above but looking back to few years ago, I totally can relate to all the changes I've gone through. My life has gradually changed in all means (they're just to much to be written). Amazingly, I'm thankful to what I'm having right now (if only they were the results of my pasts). I know they costed me too much but I still cherish all the values it brought me. So... Welcome October... Cheer's to another final month being here as an undergraduate...

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, problems, spooky

Nothing can change this love Add comment

Thursday, August 22, 2013@August 22, 2013

I love slow dancing. I know a step or two but dealing them publicly would be embarrassing (except when I'm drunk). I'm a fine gentleman (ehem~). I love the idea of two people hugging and dawdling through slow sentimental songs enjoying every bits of that moment and listening to Sam Cooke's songs made me sway back in this room of mine alone. It all started last holiday when my brother recommended to sing this song:

I know nothing about his songs neither I know he existed. But since my siblings grew up listening to these kind of rhythms, we found ourselves fell in love with it.

Listening to these kind builds the imagination of people slow dancing in crowd with all the vintage themes surrounding them. Now that I'm downloading all his numbers, I'm gonna memorize all his lyrics for the sake of next karaoke retro moment with le family. LOL

Here's one as a must :

If I go, a million miles away
I'd write a letter, each and everyday
'Cause honey nothing, nothing can ever change this love I have for you

Mmmmmm, make me weep
And you can make me cry
See me coming
And you can pass me by
But honey, nothing, nothing can ever change this love I have for you

Wo-oh-oh, you're the apple of my eye, you're cherry pie
And oh you're, you're cake and ice cream
Oh you're sugar and spice, and everything nice
You're the girl of my, my, my, my, dreams

But if you wanted, to leave me and roam
When you got back, I'd just say welcome home
'Cause honey nothing, nothing, nothing can ever change this, love I have, for you
Wo-oh-oh-oh...

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know that nothing, nothing, nothing can ever
Change the love I have for you.

P/s : His lyrics are so relatable... Ehe~

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, Songs and Lyrics

5 YEARS TRAVELLING BACK AND FORTH Add comment

Monday, August 19, 2013@August 19, 2013

I haven't been blogging since... I don't even remember when was the last time I posted an entry. It's not that I have been busy I have such a lot of things to be remarked here, I do. I only found it's helpful to share them with my significant other better. Now that I have to crave this on my online sketch wall, this is going to be something I should do.

My last holidays have seemingly came to its end, I became a little bit homesick by the time I arrived here in Tawau. The only words I keep telling to myself is to be patient. There's another few months here before I bid all those farewell and I couldn't hope but to meet that. I'm tired and it all ends today (realized this when I was in the wagon - that's what they call the transportation mean). As usual, my anxiety became worse when it comes to going back here. There's so much to think about on my way back. Thoughts keep lingering here and there but they all ended with a short sigh. I know I'm never going to take this road again neither are those same old buses I usually waited long for.

Taking buses to come here will usually cost me 10 hours of my day while wagon came short with only 6 hours. Here's something to share, I've experienced a lot due to the eagerness in me to travel alone. It's usually more comfortable cause I don't have to take care of someone as much as I dislike people asking me questions during my moody day. It's usually solemn when I entered any means of transportation mentioned above so yeah, I'm a lone ranger.

I started taking buses late because my father used to work a few miles away. We usually traveled together and he would always fetch me here before going to his workplace. My first tour was smooth cause I traveled with two of my seniors. Plus, it wasn't still a prison here. Although it was all a rush, I thanked my father for being so helpful. Anyhow, next I remembered was in January 2009, the blue big 4 wheeled thing broke (something exploded) and we have to pull over for about an hour in the middle of nowhere. Due to that, I arrived late here and still I have to walk a thousand miles to this place. I managed to attend my lectures though - LOL that. There's one late at night when the conductor mistakenly took my destination wrong. I was dropped another few meters from the bus stop and have to walk longer steps to come here. I wasn't even mad at that time. The farther this place is, the longer times it needs for me to be here early.

Another experience I could still remember is when I arrived late here and still I managed to have my breakfast outside with some of the lecturers. By time I joined their conversation, I grabbed a few dramas happened between them inside. I didn't ask much but it's enough for me to catch a few of them to be avoided. That was the one thing I decided to back myself off being here.

My journey going back to my hometown has always been the same except last March of 2010 where I came home late due to some problems I had with the police department and of course the state registration position. There's this time back in July 2011 where I unusually came home extending 2 days of holidays into a longer one. On the same year, I took the risk to be here again knowing that I have a test to be seated the day after. That's one crazy act to be memorized although I still did the same last May. LOL. 2011 would always be the toughest for me. By the very beginning of the year, I left all the buses in front of me knowing that I'm not finished with my holidays. My anxiety became worse I let my hair cut bald and I escaped a week of lectures. All the remaining months after became harder and harder as I became more sure I'm having the burned out symptoms... (to be continued)

There's also this incident when I fell asleep and woke up being in the middle of the city. Thank God it was still early I took the nearest taxi to arrive here in my hostel. The incident costed me money and I regretfully blame myself for no good. I wouldn't forget what happened last March too. I've bought my ticket with the intention to go home early but something happened during our way back from school. Our rented car was locked with the keys inside and I have a few hours left to catch my bus. That's one crazy unfortunate event.

Travelling by wagon means, I don't know how to say this. It started this year as I have another place I needed to go. There isn't anything much to write about cause all the travels went smoothly as I need them to be. I've always been the luckiest when it comes to these transportation - quote unquote from my significant other. The one thing I couldn't remember is when I took this very friendly driver to go along with. We talked and talked and talked not realizing we have already arrived. I still arrived late here in college due to the delays he deliberately made.. Today has also been a long journey. Since it's my last, I accumulated all the memories I could gather and decided to conclude them here in this entry.

Knowing that I will always reflect what have I done for my previous holidays, I've learned something new about myself. You see, when it comes to travelling by land transportation, the only entertainment we can get is from the songs they played in their car. I know songs played gradually affect my reflection I didn't even bother listening to my own. I love the sentimental values reminisced when I listened to them back. Some would do me good, other's wouldn't but I cherished all the thoughts I could get from them - better or worse. Somehow they made me who I am today.

I've experienced a lot bittersweet moments thereafter. Still these are the only things I could barely remember. It has been a very interesting 5 years of a journey and I'm glad to end it calmly. I'm a little homesick but all the motivations I was given from my dearest family and love of my life, I think I can manage these few months afterward. Somehow the end is on it's way and without realizing it, we may intersect in no time. Looking forward to that.

P/s: I'm sorry for bad grammars. I'll correct them later. I'm just tired and sleepy. Good night people. Good night Boil Boil

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, motivation, problems

CORY MONTEITH Add comment

Sunday, July 14, 2013@July 14, 2013

I'm holding a few minutes over my Action Research report listening to this song:

The fact that Cory Monteith is dead really strikes me. I grew up my teenage 2 years living with his act and his singing. Although I'm not a recent Glee's big fan, I still cherish their previous casts. The fact that I used to be a major die hard fan of their casts is actually not a history. I still fall in love within each episodes when it comes to watching their first 2 seasons. I wasted my holidays 3 years ago memorizing lyrics from each and every songs I can find in the casts. He was one of the major reason why I stayed long on the cast plus I'm not the only one who fell in love with them. Even I've made my siblings did the same. We've covered some of their song and eventually they became our Christmas theme song. I literary want to cry when I heard the news. Cory has been a great singer - a real one to render a song I can totally relate to. I hope his soul rests in peace. My prayers will always be with him.

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Glee

Everything's Okay Add comment

Thursday, July 11, 2013@July 11, 2013

Kinda fall in love with this song. The lyric is too interesting. Plus, I always love Lenka's rendition of songs. This is going to be my breakfast song for the rest of the week until I memorized the lyric and get bored with it.

"Everything's Okay

Keep giving me hope for a better day

Keep giving me love to find a way
Through this heaviness I feel
I just need someone to say, everything's okay

Woke my weary head
Crawled out of my bed
And I said, "Oh, how do I go on?"
Nothing's going right, shadow's took the light
And I said, "Oh, how do I go on?"

Sometimes I need a little sunshine
And sometimes I need you

Keep giving me hope for a better day
Keep giving me love to find a way
Through this messy life I made for myself
Heaven knows I need a little

Hope for a better day
A little love to find a way
Through this heaviness I feel
I just need someone to say, everything's okay
(Everything's ok)

I gave my hope to you
When you were nearly through
And you said, "Oh, I can't go on"
Well, now I need it back
'Cause I have got a lack of all that's good
And I can't go on

Yeah, sometimes I just need a little sunshine
And sometimes I need you

Keep giving me hope for a better day
Keep giving me love to find a way
Through this messy life I made for myself
Heaven knows I need a little

Hope for a better day
A little love to find a way
Through this heaviness I feel
I just need someone to say, everything's okay

(Everything's okay, everything's okay)
Sometimes I need a little sunshine
And sometimes I need you

Keep giving me hope for a better day
Keep giving me love to find a way
Through this messy life I made for myself
Heaven knows I need a little

Hope for a better day
A little love to find a way
Through this messy life I made for myself
Heaven knows I need a little

Hope for a better day
A little love to find a way
Through this heaviness I feel
I just need someone to say, everything's okay

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, motivation, Songs and Lyrics

My Christmas' Histories Add comment

Thursday, June 27, 2013@June 27, 2013

I miss Christmas. It's been long I haven't enjoyed one because of the thought that I still have a week of holiday till I get myself packed going back. I realized the last one I celebrated to my extent, passed by. Next Christmas, I'm gonna enjoy the holidays like I haven't got one before. It's been a long fine road being here and yet I struggled. I don't think it's too early to say this but I really miss Christmas - the joy of the day, the family gathering, the jinggle songs etc etc. To think about it, I missed 5 seasons already and frankly I haven't celebrated any of them with the real joyful spirit. Let me get this straight...

2008 - I didn't remember a thing here... Will get back to this later.

2009 - Went to poring a few days before Christmas with le cousins and family, celebrated Christmas in my Grandpa's house and I went home early. I guess I wasn't in the mood of seizing the moments. We celebrated New Year's eve in 2 different places and I can't remember what's next.

2010 - Celebrated Christmas at my dad's work place in Penampang. The tequila was fine but I spent most of the night with my siblings wandering the place and ended up playing video games until 6 am in the morning with my brothers. It's a no life thing I know. 2 nights before the New Year day, I went for a wedding reception from one of our neighbours. Too drunk to remember what's next but I did sing a duet with my father. LOL. I didn't enjoy the New Year's day much since my brother was not around. We set fire at the backyard and I'm in the right moment of sigh thinking that I'm going to leave all those a few more days afterward.

2011 - Celebrated Christmas back in our house. It was a small gathering. I baked and suddenly slept at 3 pm. I was too tired with all the motorbike riding. It's a blue Christmas really. Somehow I couldn't forget the New year's eve. The family almost went to Tambunan that night but we siblings changed our plan. When our parents still went there with just the two of them, the children took the chance to conquer the house. It was an unusual celebration with just us and some of our cousins being there. I wasn't drinking because I didn't find the liqueur they bought suits me. I ended up singing karaoke songs until the next day.

2012 - Celebrated Christmas at my Grandfather's house until 3 am in the morning. I conquered the karaoke sets ignoring who gave a damn about my singing. LOL. Went to Keningau a few days later and then back to celebrating New year with all of the big family in my uncle's house. Too drunk to remember the rest of it.

2013? Well there's more to come. I am solemnly waiting for what's holding on to me. I swear I'm going to enjoy this year's like it's my last. LOL. Until the next Christmas post, adieu~

P/s: That's me during my Botak's season LOL 2011

Labels: Christianity, Family - Family Guy, motivation

SUITCASE Add comment

Thursday, June 20, 2013@June 20, 2013

It's the moment of the day I love seeing most - Sunset. I miss the previous one's... and having one here is breaking my heart. I never have enjoyed one cause all the moments were being shadowed by the walls. Listening this song has regretfully summed the gloom.

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, problems, Songs and Lyrics

Emotional Suicide Add comment

Wednesday, June 19, 2013@June 19, 2013

I'm back to this place. I don't know a thing why I'm here I think I'm torturing myself going back without any intention. Finished an assignment I was supposed to be doing the last 3 weeks but I just keep procrastinating - and enjoying the holidays. It was actually when the owner asked me to send it to him then I realized I should finish it. I don't actually have much to do these 2 weeks and my homesickness keeps me hanging here around like a fool. I thought finishing it would be a distraction.

I'm close to emotional suicide recently. It's not that I haven't felt this but I'm tired. I'm tired of going here back and forth realizing I don't have any piece of heart here. I don't belong here and saying "I'll be back today" to my friend last Monday irritated me. Somehow this is my final term and being patient for just another 4 months would mean a lot to me. It's a stone throw away that I'll finally have my own scroll of degree. Looking at this calender somehow makes it heavier to wait for that moment.

I keep asking to myself "what was I doing at this very moment last week?" I know I shouldn't be living with my past too much but they're actually haunting me. I have this very long memory span when it comes to doing things I'm very fond of and it's making me hard to forget those shits. I'm grateful for this, I really am. The thing is, it took me long to forget what I missed back home. Holidays seem so short if it's really the thing I'm looking forward to spending times with those people I love most.

Things should be okay soon. This usually takes sometime.

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, problems

SING TO DISTRACT YOUR HEART OUT Add comment

Wednesday, June 12, 2013@June 12, 2013

I didn't have much to do this morning... Well at least I didn't plan anything just yet. I've been waking up as early as a high school kid this week cause I'm obliged to fetch my youngsters to their school. Since there's still another few hours to fetch them back, I found myself browsing my on-line karaoke status and sing a few songs (it helps to ease the pressures I'm currently into). I was banned from entering any battles (I don't know why) but here what comes off :

Not that I'm a qualified singer but bragging won't cost anything (LOL). I didn't record any cause I'm very insecure about my voice (it's not that good). The trick for the scores is to match the singer's pitch (although my belt won't go any higher but that'll do)... So... yeah~ This is what haters gonna hate...

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, motivation, problems, Songs and Lyrics

LIFE AS THE WAY IT IS Add comment

Tuesday, April 30, 2013@April 30, 2013

I was wandering through my ex-junior's blog when suddenly it reminded me of my secondary school life. Yeah, I was totally lost back then. I didn't know what to become... I didn't have anyone to look upon on and say to myself 'I want to be like him'... But still, I managed to be comfortable with that. Life changes as the way it is and I'll accept everything - that was actually what I thought would've ease this mind with the fears flinging around to the future. I admired my brother but I thought I didn't actually have to be like him. Somehow school grade wasn't that important - people can be successful even without achieving the best in school. Realizing that I have keen observation to my friends' future plan, I accumulated them all just in case I would have to take one as a back up plan. I was never too judgmental compared to my life now (except that I didn't say it out loud).

My surrounding keeps on confusing me when there's a lot to ponder. I reconsidered my ambitions all those previous years I'm studying for my lower education. There's a lot of roads I should venture I keep asking myself to choose the right one and be wise. I never thought I will come to this. The wisdom? Well let's just answer to that later. When people say that I should make someone to be my 'benchmark', I grew up refusing that phrase. I could never be someone else! I remembered the more I think about it, the more I became confused. I was like a pilot, but with the fear of height. There's a time when I thought I should observe the revolution of the world through the edge of a little more modernized side. As a result, I became too carried away (shall I say) to the era when all the teenagers keep rolling with their life. I keep myself up to date with what should a teenage have and exchanges a little more information about that to each other. A few steps to the future later, I rejected to that with a firm reason that it doesn't represent who I am.

That's life. When you said you know who you are, you actually don't. People keep changing themselves - the way they live their life, how they accept the changes of the world, what future holds for them etc etc. We grew up surviving all that. Even with a strong grip we hold on to our principle, there's always that assimilation happening between us and our environment - where we're standing. It is okay not to live in our past, but they are actually the reason to what we are now. Think about it.

Labels: Family - Family Guy, motivation, problems

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