† HomesickEric †

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Christmas Like That Add comment

Friday, October 17, 2025@October 17, 2025

I have not written a blog entry in a very long time.

Back in college, I wrote constantly. Every holiday, every small transition, every new chapter of my life found its way into words. Writing was a quiet space for me, a way to release the thoughts that never stopped running. It helped me make sense of myself.

Then life changed.

Work took over, time became limited, and I slowly stopped. I told myself I was busy, but perhaps I simply drifted away from what once healed me. Writing used to be my form of therapy. It steadied my mind and helped me live with all the questions that had no answers.

Lately, I have been thinking about Christmas.

Every year, on the 26th of September, I mark it as the day to begin planning for the celebration. It became a quiet ritual that grounds me. I remember one particular morning at the office. It was still dark outside. The room was cold and silent, and something in the air felt like the beginning of Christmas. I remember thinking, it is time.

I played a song to set the mood, The Christmas Song. The version by Celtic Woman always finds its way to me first. The original may have been by Nat King Cole, but the Celtic Woman rendition carries something more fragile and haunting. Every year, that song cuts through me in a way that words fail to describe. It feels like home and longing at the same time.

I once shared that song in an old post. The video no longer exists; perhaps it was removed over the years. Still, there is always a new upload somewhere, waiting to be found, as if the season itself refuses to fade.

Since 2022, I have spent Christmas abroad, except for last year. My time in Germany remains unforgettable. That experience felt like the beginning of something new in me. A new tradition was born. A new way of seeing and feeling the season. There was something about the quiet streets, the smell of roasted nuts in the air, and the calm of winter markets that made me feel at peace with myself. It was both foreign and deeply familiar, as if my own memories were learning a new language.

I have not planned Christmas this year. Not yet. But I already sense the shape of it forming quietly in my mind. I hope it can once again become a calm space for my restless thoughts, a reminder that some traditions are worth keeping, even when everything else changes.

I miss Christmas like that.

The kind that does not need crowds or glitter.

Just a quiet room, a single song, and a heart that remembers how to be still.

Labels: Love and Relationships

HAPPINESS IS AN ILLUSION Add comment

Monday, August 12, 2019@August 12, 2019

I'm in the middle of an emotional disturbances and writing somehow is a good therapy. Dealing with two long weeks of an emotionally exhausting period has got me thinking that this has been happening occasionally for a while now, and I am too much of an idiot to not realize that I can walk away from this. I somehow needed a mental therapy week to let these all go. I am currently planning for one. Spending holiday alone this year is so common that I am learning to get used to with it. I should look above future planning for the next long holidays. I tried resting but I got grumpy somehow. I am mad at everything – even on small things. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even get my words together to participate in a normal conversation. I miss the time when I found inner peace in me. I miss being happy.

Labels: Love and Relationships, problems

Someone's sometimes Add comment

Tuesday, July 24, 2018@July 24, 2018

I'm tired, stressed and feeling insecure.
I don't want to be someone else's last resort to play the fire with when the fun in their life has gone for. I want to be someone's priority, not just an option. I'm sick of all the thrown sweet words but received nothing as an action.
I hate being someone's sometimes.
I deserve better in my life.
I'm waiting for this week to be over so I can finally be emotionally independent.
🤗

Labels: Love and Relationships, problems

Hidden scars Add comment

Wednesday, July 11, 2018@July 11, 2018

Labels: Love and Relationships, problems

Oligang Add comment

Monday, July 09, 2018@July 09, 2018

It's a quarter past three in the morning and I can not manage to be sleeping. There are abounding memories that keeps lingering in my mind right now and I can not seem to hush them away. I'm still outside, drinking beers and hoping that the moon will show up but I know my efforts are to be disappointed.

I chose to stay out this week. I can not afford to go back to my work place. I'm depressed, and going back in there would be another mistake I'll make today.

I'm writing this entry for you.

I miss you. I miss you so much. Truthfully, I miss the old you. The old you who cared about us, about the relationship. The old you who didn't take me for granted. The old you, who listened. I knew how much this situation hurts, believe me but I chose to be quiet today because I know I can not control my words when my feelings has got into me.

I can still recall how this all started. I can reminisce every memories we have ventured together from day one to what made us up until now - every ups and every downs. From the very first movie we watched together to the very last period of the recent subtitle. From the very first sunrise, to the last sunset. From the very first song to the last of its lyric. I cherished every bits of them in tiny details.

I want you to know that my feeling has never changed for you but who am I to say that, I'm no jackpot boyfriend. What could I possibly have for you to accept me back. While you're the best person I have ever met in my life, I have nothing to provide to you. I lack your qualities; your sensitivity, your intelligence, your thoughtfulness... I'm surrounded by my shortcomings that might have possibly driven you away to who you are now.

If you're reading this, I want you to know that I still love you. With all my heart and soul. No words deep enough to be written, no gesture can act utterly to prove. To the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.

#414

Labels: Love and Relationships, problems

A Cessation Of Hostilities Add comment

Saturday, March 17, 2018@March 17, 2018

I’ve met anger.

No.

I’m meeting anger

Frustration

Disappointment

Repentance

March has never agreed with me and this year’s might have been the worst of it. I haven’t planned anything for the day but I did expect it to go well.

And that’s where the problem begins.

I expected too much.

I wanted so vastly much that even a slight detour can lead to helplessness in the face of fate. So it did. With no reserved plan, I might as well finish this book of mine. There are still thousands of pages left, I hope some of it will distract me from all the jumbled feelings.

Here's more »

Labels: Love and Relationships, motivation, problems

Page 365 From The Book of 2017 Add comment

Sunday, December 31, 2017@December 31, 2017

I haven't written a thing this year (although there are a few unpublished drafts saved on my dashboard). I might have gone pretty much occupied and the state of having a significant other in my life has actually changed my course to the other direction. I have nothing much to say here. I initially wanted to review my year of 2017 but there's actually nothing much to be talked about. I'm still working in that interior school and I am getting used to with it except for the fact that it rendered my intellect moot. I've been taking a lot of courses and concurred to some outstation duties just to expand my mind so that I won't have to debate that this 'working in an interior place yields thousand experiences' could actually be a consent. I refuse to use my experiences as a weapon of battering tool. There are lots of great people out there and I'm well aware that I still need more acquiring to reach to that level - and I'm willing to do that for the sake of self-improvement.

My journal this year has been mostly empty. I've spent all my leisure sleeping and resting because that's the only free time I'll ever gonna get. This year has been exhausting, both physically and mentally. I wonder how did I get pass through with it all but I actually did and I'm moderately proud of myself (because after all the reflections made, I still think I could do better). One of my resolution every year is to achieve something in my life (career wise). Even if it's something small, it will still appear as a blotch to prove that I'm relatively developing.

I'm hoping for the best next year - professionally and personally.

This will be my only (and last) entry for 2017. 2018 comprises a lot of new adventures ahead. Let's buckle up and say cheers to this final page.

Labels: Love and Relationships, motivation, problems

Is It not? Add comment

Thursday, December 15, 2016@December 15, 2016

Why is this indifference so confusing?

I want to hold your hand everywhere I go,

grip your palm and never let go,

I want to listen to your voice every day,

Until there is no words left to say,

Is it not your desire?

Don't you want it also?

I thought you want that too...

I want to be able to see your face every night,

watch the windows of your soul close tight.

I want to feel your heartbeat as you sleep,

hug you dearly as you go into the deep.

Is it not your desire?

Don't you want it also?

I thought you want that too...

I want to walk along the beach with you again,

make footprints to mark it when.

I want to watch you build your fortress,

sit on the sand smiling to your fondness.

Is it not your desire?

Don't you want it also?

I thought you want that too...

I want to gaze the moon with you again,

glorify its beauty that made me blind.

I want to fondle your face under its illumination,

as we listen the radio for another love song.

Is it not your desire?

Don't you want it also?

I thought you want that too...

I want to feel the breezes of the warm wind with you again,

mere walking every now and then.

I want to stay with you here,

for the air is clear and there's nothing to fear.

Is it not your desire?

Don't you want it also?

I thought you want that too...

I want to adore the sunset with you again,

Can we just do that just one more time?

I want to have that endless talk with you again,

Can I just have it one more time?

What is it that you desire?

That could be so different from all those

Ain't I making you happy?

Don't you find happiness in me?

#414

Labels: Love and Relationships

Fading wave Add comment

Saturday, December 10, 2016@December 10, 2016

They were so different from each other yet still there they are together. Despite all the quarreling and occasional altercations, something in their mind binds them to the realization that those are actually one of the distinctions that complete them. Time doesn’t support their affections so as conventional opinions; they get through no matter what. Well there's something about the scenery that describes the whole situations differently. The fading hue of the yellowish sky refracts the illumination of the sun admirably that it touches both of their skin so warmly to their heart. The sand they’re standing on is a mere representation of a dais that allows the final wave of the ocean to fade out and when the hindmost bubbles reach their feet, they seem so ferocious to erasing the footprints they have left behind but no matter how far it hits, it will never be able to wash away the memories they have created there together. The breezes, yes the one element that amalgamates their vicinity to their core consolidates their awareness of being together, blows tenderly condoning the warmth of the bright sunset. That day seems to end in no minute. The moon finally came to address that. There’s another chapter that tells about the moon - but not there… not now… #H4R1

Labels: Love and Relationships, motivation

Conjecturable Add comment

Monday, October 24, 2016@October 24, 2016

Despite being such a miserable factotum at the moment, I'm actually in the perfect mood to write something up on my wall. Entering school after a long period of time really puts me into a bumpy situation - both literally and metaphorically. Adapting to a workaholic life was a strong suite for me before. I don’t even know why my sentiment changes 360° nowadays. Maybe I’m just exhausted of living in the same situation or perhaps this is mere boredom. Let’s just hope for the best out of it. Well apparently, this song is on loop:

I am a person known to be easily affected by songs so my mood now is plainly conjecturable. I haven’t had this feeling for many a year now that I forgot how to manage this. In a proper sense kind of way, I’d say that I’m a stranger to this. I am but to be imminent to confusion that this actually never happens to me before. It’s somehow soothing to the heart but perpendicularly painful to be endured.

I’m counting my days now: holiday is just around the corner and though I haven’t planned of anything, there’s this blurry reverie telling me what to do next. All the anecdotes I have written before should probably reveal that I’ll be impromptu with my respites. Let’s just wait and see.

Labels: Love and Relationships, problems, spooky

Cinta Sukar Ditafsirkan Add comment

Friday, August 19, 2016@August 19, 2016

Siurang malas mau edit kasi masuk effect apa segala.. Biarla suara macam katak kan yang pinting happy... Hahaha

Here's more »

Labels: Love and Relationships, Songs and Lyrics

NOT IN THAT WAY Add comment

Friday, December 11, 2015@December 11, 2015

Currently in blues and I kinda have the mood to write. This song comes to the mind and I decided to share it here. As usual, lyrics remain everything I ever want to express. I don't actually know why I become so hopeless in every relationship I have. Probably because the unconventionality I'm facing in this makes it really hard to withstand. I hope consistently for the same thing cause I'm a very sentimental person. It all turns out wrong when people change. Changes makes it even malleable when you still cling to what you yearned for so long. I guess I just miss the old you. 😞😞😞😞

SAM SMITH LYRICS

"Not In That Way"

And I hate to say I love you

When it's so hard for me

And I hate to say I want you

When you make it so clear

You don't want me

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say

You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

And I hate to say I need you

I'm so reliant

I'm so dependent

I'm such a fool

When you're not there,

I find myself singing the blues.

Can't bear,

Can't face the truth

You will never know that feeling

You will never see through these eyes

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say

You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

Labels: Love and Relationships, Songs and Lyrics

DEPRESSION Add comment

Sunday, July 26, 2015@July 26, 2015

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, motivation, problems

Dark history for Sabahan Add comment

Monday, June 15, 2015@June 15, 2015

It's the first day of my second semester and life has been okay so far. The first of everything in my life has always been the hardest especially when I have to say goodbye to something (in this case, my 3 weeks break). Holidays seem short when there's something worth spending with. I miss everything and going back here is a question I need to ask myself if it's for the best or not. My past 3 weeks were filled with all the feelings I can't describe myself. The first, of course, relaxed me to my core that I spent quite a lot of it on my own. I've been to my village, and that's where the horror begins.

Earthquake is actually a common thing already here now that I've encountered with it for a few times in my life. Reminiscing back, I was lucky to wake up so early (due to the nightmare haunted me that night). The shock begun when I was reading messages from my friends. At first it started as if someone was racing in the house. "This is going to end real quick" I said to myself thinking that my experiences with the tremors happened in my life before never actually leave a trace. When all of the sudden the quakes evolved until the house seemed like collapsing, I followed my family rushed outside. Realizing that my younger brother wasn't around, I quickly went into the house but fact is he left earlier to school that morning. When we entered the house a few minutes after, one of my book shelves was lying on my bed. I knew it would have hit me if I was still in the house.

The incident traumatized not just only me but to all people around the district (living on the epicenter of the earthquake itself!). My uncle is one of the survivors stranded at the peak of the Kinabalu Mountain. I salute him and his 32 other guide friends for their courage guiding the other 137 hikers back down safely. Thank God he's still alive. 18 life was sacrificed by the tremor (I know some of the victims) and 72 after-quakes were recorded to stabilize the plates. Of course mass media helps a lot in spreading gruesome news making the incident looks worse than it already has but only God know how it affected a lot to Sabahan especially those who live right below the mountain growing up everyday seeing how its structures changed and consume the lives of its people by the tumbling of the stones. 05 June 2015 marks the darkest history for all Sabahan.

I'm homesick. Hoping that the last 5.1M aftershock was the finale to end it all, I pray the people of Ranau for their safety especially for my families and friends back there.

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, spooky

EATING MY INSIDE Add comment

Thursday, April 23, 2015@April 23, 2015

I have low self esteem. I'm writing this cause it needed to be heard. My will to solve every mistakes I've done is in grave I don't think I can handle much. I keep thinking the imminent answer should have provided me peace but that's too selfish (still it came by quite for a few times here in my brain). I needed to forget all these and by that it meant solve shits all by myself. The society thoughts of me makes me weak and I'm getting more sick having them included in the process. Some, I should say is kind enough to know what I need but somehow others just point their fingers to me telling me to shut it all. That sends me straight to the darkest part of my heart I think I should just...

I'm in pain. Physically? Doesn't matter to me but somehow the sadness, it's eating my inside.

Labels: Christianity, Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, problems

NOW Add comment

Wednesday, June 11, 2014@June 11, 2014

Currently listening to this song and you (hover) should too...

I'm in the middle of a restful morning now that I am alone (again) LOL. There's going to be another weeding reception I'm going to attend this evening but let just say I'm not really in the mood of aramaiti right now. Holiday is just at it ends, I should spend the moments between without complaint. Browsing through car brochures at the moment made me anxious. I'm starting to ask myself if it's too early to own a car or if I am going to make a mistake in choosing. It's a one in a 9 years opportunity and considering the price I should pay, I wouldn't have much left to spend for myself and the rest of the people I care most. I'm not going to brag about my salary (get the clue? HAHAHAHA), but it's really not worth it. There's a lot to think now that I have a career. Exhibit A, when I was in my freshman years, I used to change using my mobile phone monthly (such immature). Having to think where I am going to live next, how am I going to survive... that's the greatest shit. All of my relatives, my friends (at approximately my age) are thinking about marriage this year and I don't think I'm brave enough to talk about putting a ring on my finger. I rather want to buy a wasteland by now thinking about having my own place to live.

For some people, this might not be a great deal but for someone as new as I, it's totally different. I have the responsibility to take care of my youngsters (actually a cooperation between me and my big bro) and having the obligation to be a responsible brother intrigue me to embrace the maturity. Sounds cocky, but that's the undeniable truth.

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, Songs and Lyrics, spooky

Yesterday Holiday Add comment

Monday, June 09, 2014@June 09, 2014

Guten Tag.

I'm in the mood of blabbing so here goes the writing. Spending the holidays with le familia has been a bliss. It's been long since the days we made memories together so that's the one time I never regretted for being in dad's workplace. The last time I've spent my night time being there was last 2012 and now that I've much experienced the temperature , I've backpacked my own survival kits (just garments of course - LOL). I was born in a cold land (on the hills) but growing up in different places evolved me into someone who can't stand being in a chilly place. My dad's workplace is one of a kind. The temperature will turn into as low as 14°C in the midnight so sleeping would be a trouble. My future brother in law was there too (a fetcher, should I say) and I pity him much. The plan to go there was an abrupt and he didn't have his own survival kit. Preach the lesson, young guy.

Making the story short, here's some pictures to view:

So long till I step my foot here again. I'm beginning to be fond of the place as here, it started everything (in terms of my relationship - LOL).

Here's more »

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, motivation

I write the songs Add comment

Sunday, May 18, 2014@May 18, 2014

It's been long since my last post and I pretty much don't have anything to do right now. I started entering the steps of my career era and life has been busy since then. Working and studying are two totally different shits, that I can say. As much as I enjoyed gaining wisdom, the teaching routine became more and more insignificant. It's tiring thinking about the incapability I'm having, stranded in the middle of a very very rural area, to develop this maturity of mine. Sometimes, it's nice to have a new different environment once in a while in my life but still, I wish for no astonishment. I'm striving, not to be the best, but to give the best for my pupils. I can do nothing much for now since it's not even my payday month yet.

Btw, I'm currently into this song:

I've been alive forever
And I wrote the very first song
I put the words and the melodies together
I am music and I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I write the songs of love and special things
I write the songs that make the young girls cry
I write the songs, I write the songs

My home lies deep within you
And I've got my own place in your soul
Now when I look out through your eyes
I'm young again, even though I'm very old

I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I write the songs of love and special things
I write the songs that make the young girls cry
I write the songs, I write the songs

Oh, my music makes you dance

And gives your spirit to take a chance
And I wrote some rock 'n' roll so you can move
Music fills your heart, well, that's a real fine place to start

It's from me, it's for you
It's from you, it's from me
It's a worldwide symphony

I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I write the songs of love and special things
I write the songs that make the young girls cry
I write the songs, I write the songs

I am music and I write the songs

The song gives me such joy cause I'm a guy who's fond of conventional songs. Not mentioning the lyrics, they said it all. So... That's all for this entry's bookmark. Till I write again~

Labels: Love and Relationships, motivation, problems, Songs and Lyrics

Valentine's day... Or is it? Add comment

Friday, February 14, 2014@February 14, 2014

Happy Valentines day... Although it doesn't make any sense to me now but still have a joyful day celebrating the day of love. I'm not sure if it's worth a celebration to me anymore cause I've expected a lot towards this day. That's my problem, exceptions usually leads me to another disappointment so I'm trying to lower myself down on it. Someday I'll understand this and might probably give away the same thing. I cherish this day knowing its history. Reminiscing the days when I was a single man, I still respected the craps out of this day knowing that single people can also celebrate SAD days. I've always had my friends back then when we tried so hard to celebrate the day for ourselves no matter how busy our schedules were. This might be weird, but I miss it. Sigh~

Labels: Love and Relationships

THE DOG DAYS ARE OVER Add comment

Tuesday, December 31, 2013@December 31, 2013

It's a day before 2013 ends and here I am writing the last entry for the year. There are so much changes I encountered in my life recently. I decided to share this as a reminder for all of us to reflect back if life has been treating us like a pie. I am not a judgmental person. I decided not to blame life if it turned upside down. I'm the owner of my own life and how I'm being treated depends on me myself. 2013 would be another bookmark of my life as I finally ended my undergraduate years. Cheers to another peak where I'll be growing as a fine man thereafter. My final years of studies were awesome. Things have been pretty busy the day I went back to my college but I survived. I don't know why, I just did. Now that there's a lot of people I think have put me into their deal, I decided to back off from their life. I dwell in a pretty big situation where people think I have a great threat that they started to talk behind my back. Realizing they're a few steps behind to stabbing me, I ran and never look back. That's new for me. I usually would drop in and settle them down but I'm tired of more dramas in my life. The final solution for everything here now on is to walk this journey independently. If the muggles decided to play bullshits with me, I'll delete any of them straight away from my life. They don't belong there anyway.

13 more hours before next year and I'm still thinking about my next big resolution. For the whole past years I'm trying to be matured and professional and all, I think I missed something. The subs for dealing humanity is too overwhelming sometimes I slacked off. I'm thinking hard to plan life for the next 12 months and ended up aching. I'll get back to that later. I'm feeling a little immature by this but as a visionary, I don't think I should 'let life flows as it is' for me. I'm sick of being stuck in the middle of no where pretending that I have made myself a big surprise. They're just excuses - a compliment I made myself for doing something ordinary. I need to achieve something next year, and that's a must.

So here's to the final deal,

Goodbye to you people who judge me too much you forgot about your own craps,

Thank you for those who don't give a damn about my life and still stay,

Hello to you new people who will intercept my journey here after!

and

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014!

Labels: Family - Family Guy, Love and Relationships, motivation, problems

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